I Didn’t Wanna but I Gotta Write

Wow, it’s been a little over two months since my mom passed and since I’ve posted something here.  The truth is I haven’t felt much like doing much of anything since March 11, 2012.  Family and friends have surrounded me with their love and their heartfelt sympathies but that didn’t stop me from feeling paralyzed.  I told myself with a steely determination that I was going to mourn but I was also going to allow my mother’s legacy to continue through the life I lived.  Of course, that didn’t stop me from waking in the middle of the night like a child feeling lost and wanting her mama.  My sleep is better, not that great, but I trudge on and I have my days and my nights.  I told my son I have to be strong for him and he told I have to be strong for myself.  Mother’s Day was OK and I got through it.  I can be going along my day and “BAM,” it hits me like a soft breeze and where the wind that lets me know she’s with me and I break out crying.  Then again “BAM,” it hits me like a ton of bricks, walking through the mall, and I deeply feel her absence.  I duck into a dressing room and ball my eyes out.  I recompose myself and come out with two items that I never tried on.  I feel out paper work and write her name and the water works begin.  I even found an essay I wrote about her being my hero.  She kept it all this time.  The pain I anticipated if I started writing or blogging again left me motionless at the keyboard but I know it is the very process of writing that will enable me to continuing the healing process.  I miss her so much even when it feels I’m going to be OK for the day and I continue to trust she’s all around me and she lives through me.